My Golden Rule of pickup and how it helped me overcome approach anxiety.


Yesterday I made [this post]( about my experience in game. Most of the feedback you gave me was about the last point, so I wanted to create a new post to expand on it further.


My Golden Rule for pickup is simple: *Leave them better than you found them.* I wish I could take credit for it, but it’s something I heard or read somewhere else. Unfortunately, I can’t remember where. It’s a mantra I carried throughout my time in the game and it always served me well. So well, in fact, that I have expanded it to include not just the women I approach, but every social interaction I have, be it with a woman or a man.


But what does it mean to leave them better than you found them and how can you possibly do this with every single person you interact with? Ultimately, it comes down to being a value-giver or a value-taker. I like how John Maxwell puts it when he said you can either be a lifter or a stander. I see every interaction I have with someone as an opportunity to make their life, or even just their day, a little bit better. I can make them laugh, teach them something new, be an ear for them to vent to, or simply give them an enjoyable conversation. There are countless ways you can provide value. If I fail at that, then it’s likely that I’m actually taking value away. If I’m in a bad mood and let that affect my behavior, ask for favors without reciprocating, or use my words to hurt, just to give a few examples, then I’m actively taking value. When I act in such as way, one would be better off not interacting with me at all.


So, how is all of this talk about value-giving vs value-taking going to help you get over approach anxiety?


When I first started with game, I would approach a woman and subconsciously be thinking, *Hehehe, I going to go talk to this girl, use the latest techniques I read on seddit, she will think this is actually who I am and she will give me her phone number.* **In other words, I approached women with the intent of taking value from them** (i.e. her attention, her phone number, her time and, if I was lucky, her body). I consider myself a good person, so deep down this didn’t sit well with me, even if at the time I couldn’t explain exactly why. This feeling manifested itself in the form of approach anxiety. I felt bad that I was taking value without providing value in return, so I would get nervous.


Over time, I noticed changes in myself that changed my interactions with women. I was on a major self-improvement kick. I was trying new things, pursuing hobbies, traveling, making new friends, killing it at work and getting in better physical shape. As a result, my mindset changed when I would make an approach. I felt excited rather than nervous. Eventually, there came one particular approach where before I took my first step, I thought to myself, *this girl doesn’t know it yet, but I’m about to make her night.* That was my light bulb moment .


Can you see the difference between the two mindsets I had? **As a beginner, I was actively trying to take value and hoping no one would notice. In my new mindset, I was excited to give value.** This is what took my game to the next level. Before I made an approach, I would think, *I don’t know how this interaction will end, but I can guarantee her night will be better for having met me.* Once I had that mindset, approaching was easy.


How do you access that mindset though? I came about it organically and accidentally by actively trying to improve myself as a person. While I highly recommend trying to grow as a person, you can achieve this mindset by living the mantra stated above: *Leave them better than you found them*. If you walk into every approach with this as your one and only goal, amazing things will happen.


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26 thoughts on “My Golden Rule of pickup and how it helped me overcome approach anxiety.”

  1. It’s something I’ve heard before not sure of the original source but I know some of the members of RSD have mentioned it in various videos.

    It’s quite possibly one of the most powerful mindsets to have with any approach to life, it’s empowering that regardless how well any interaction goes, your walking in and out of that interaction with an interest in giving and not taking.

    Solid post my dude, keep it up!

  2. Nice mentality overall, however there is one thing I would like to point out. Be careful not to have this mentality: I will make her night AND in return she will give me sex. This is what a “nice guy” would do. In other words if you are only focusing on giving, you may find yourself hiding the truth from her and your own eyes – you do this because you want something from her. And that’s OK. You also want to take since you have your own needs. But if you deny it you are only deceiving and lying. Stop making a deal of “I give you this and in return you give me that and we pretend that we didn’t make a deal”.

  3. I really like behaving like this, the problem is I’ve always found it crosses over into ‘nice guy’ territory. If you talk to someone and they just talk about themselves without asking about you at all, it usually makes them feel fondly of you, but you’re kind of a sponge in that interaction.

    The thing is, even in that situation you nearly always feel way better than if you unloaded on them and got a negative reaction back.

  4. The Art of Charm podcast always say “Leave everything better than you found it” after their episode. I’ve heard or read a saying that says “If you think of what you can give first before thinking what you can take, your life will be easier”. In life we get so stressed because we always think of what we could get instead of what we could give. It’s not bad to dream, just make sure you’re giving back the same amount of effort.
    But anyways, great job bro!

  5. Tha’ts a great idea. I think everyone has something inside that holds one back to approach someone. Almost certainly it’s the intent of taking something from them. Would’ve taken me years to realize that, thank you!

  6. I hit 24 just a few days ago and ive nailed a part time i really wanted as a stepping stone yo advance my life. Ive started running and I’m sleeping at night and staying awake all day.

    Just a few days before nailing my interview I had run into a girl cashier at the stire who literally scanned the entire register lines to find me after i left her line (she turned off the light and i was 3rd in line. Majority if my work experience is as a cashier so i didnt want to be those old people who cinsider themselves entitled to be checked out).

    I was kind of amazed she would do that. Dont get me wrong, in my experience I too am an idealistic person who goes out of their way to that extent…but before i left her line I already thought she was cute. The only reason i didnt give her my # (and risk making her uncomfortable and me becoming another case of creep at the register) was because I would never pursue a relationship if i didnt at least have a job…now i do hehehehehe

    Anyway TL;DR I’m also hitting a point in my life where I’m organically going into that game territory. I can feel it but im still completely fresh at the conversational flirting part…one day i hope ill take the jump.

  7. I was able to build a similar mindset which I was able to maintain for around 4 weeks and I made my first cold approach of my life at the mid of the day. It wasn’t even goin bad. (She blushes, got a big smile, said shes sorry but got a boyfriend but wishes me a great at day. Ithink I made her day at that moment.)

    However around the same time I got rejected at a club, suddenly ghosted by the girl I was dating, a rejection at job and bad feedback about my performance at my hobby.

    These altogether kinda crushed me down again. And now I’m at a bad mental place again struggling to get up.

  8. RSDMax is where you got the quote from. I followed him to. I now follow Tim from Viking Lifestyle. He came up with a frame to where your always man to woman and you’ll never have any issues attracting a woman. It really works well. I highly recommend adapted that frame into your game. If you change your physiology around you will become attractive. Mindsets help accomplish this. I approached 1 girl at work today cause she gave me approach signals. Got her name but I didn’t really have time to talk to her. Then another girl from work through me some IOIs. She’s very pretty and all but she’s a bit more difficult to approach. I’m just waiting for the right time.

  9. You brought one of my favorite quote to my mind
    It said :” take care of yourself for me ” , it means that you gave to develop yourself and grow ;, so like that you are able to serve others and give them value even women .

    Thnx man

  10. This is an extremely relatable way of explaining something that I think is key to game. All seduction really comes down to is finding your value, building it up and refining it, and learning how to present it to the opposite sex in the best way. That last part is the one most guys struggle with, and I think this mindset goes a long way in helping with that.
    This post should be the first thing anyone new to game should read. Honestly, this is something I think everyone should read.

  11. I don’t really get this personally. You’re approaching someone because you want something from them. You don’t go around giving random people value, and if you do, weird coincidence that they’re all good looking women.

  12. Beneath your veneer of self-improvement, which while valid, I see it’s also very much about career value, social circle, and other surface aspects of societal conformity. Some of us will be deficient, and we seek other answers. It can’t be about conformity for me… No gots. “Proof” I have no proof, you see. I live within my rigid limits, and that means Capitalism isn’t dictating the same values everyone else seems to have.

    Some of us lack in all the things Capitalism decided we need to have. We lack the very skills needed to cultivate those material facets. What to do, in such a case?

    How does the misanthropist, who hides from the world because there is no option left (no one accepts those, who are like me)… find his day in the sun? In other words, I’m not happy to accept being a dateless virgin, for an entire life.

    You know already the answer you should not provide. If only I had a nickel…

    I’m looking for a middle-road, you see. Can you point the way? The way that lacks “conformity” because this system is not designed for all of us? The hat that worked for you.. it’s not one-size-fits-all.

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